Our Seasons

Greetings!  I haven't really felt inspired to blog in a while but I'm now realizing that a new season is upon me and I feel that it's time to start fresh. So, I'm revamping my blog to focus on giving back to other's through inspiration and encouragement. 

 

We all need to embrace the seasons in our lives, change, and transformation. To be better today than we were yesterday. Take an assessment of your life, accept the challenges in front of you, and adapt where needed. My goal is to help you to achieve this more effectively!

 



“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
- Maya Angelou

Be blessed!
Khurly Girl

How Deep Is Your Love?

Some people are quick to say they love another person or they are "in love" but a lot of those same people don't know what it really and truly means to love another. There are levels to this thing called love -- do you know how deep your love is? Let's explore......

1) Eros - Known as "erotic love." It is based on strong feelings toward another person. It usually occurs in the first stages of a "romantic" relationship.

This love is based more on physical traits. This is the type of love when a person says he/she has "fallen in love" for a woman/man, because "he/she looked like an angel. " Or a man/woman "falls in love" for a guy/girl because he/she is intelligent, has good 'genetics,' etc.

The weakness with this type of love is obvious. It is based more on "self-benefit." This is the, "I love you because it feels good, and makes ME happy loving you." The keyword is the word "ME." It's a selfish love.

When that person doesn't "feel happy" anymore in loving the other person, he/she is led to believe that he/she has "fallen out of love." When in actuality, there was never any "true love" in the first place. The fact is that the love has yet to establish itself; the people don't know each other well at this point.

Eros love is when two people feel this strong emotional attraction towards one another but they barely really know about each other's personalities. A person usually puts his/her best foot forward, showing only his/her good side -- I call this "meeting their representative." In order to be sure if "true love" exists, two people must know and accept each others' good and bad traits. You have to know and accept the good and the bad, to establish a true love bond.

Furthermore, they must experience a lot with each other, going through BOTH joys and sorrows, pains and pleasures, and still end up together. A lot of sacrifice towards each other is therefore essential to move past eros love.

Eros love is love that is untested by hardships, and therefore may or may not last in the long-term. It may or may not develop into a higher form of love - philos love. Eros love can only succeed in the long-term if it progresses into a higher form of love. Otherwise, it will not last.

The romantic feeling common in "eros love" is natural, and an important part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Romance also plays a role in strengthening the bonds, especially at the start of a relationship. What we need to be careful of is assuming a relationship must be "real love" just because it is romantic, because all we feel is happiness. As with most anything in life, we must learn to use both our heart and mind to judge if something is real.

Be careful also of being in love with the "concept of love" itself, rather than the love for the other person. Television, movies, and media have a way of "romanticizing" love so much, it is often hard to see reality from fiction.You must love a person for his/her uniqueness, not because you simply want to feel the joy of "being in love." Such a love is concerned more with the "self" rather than the partner. And relying purely on emotion without the balance of logic is a recipe for failure.

2) Philos - A love based on friendship between two people.

It is true that two lovers that start out by being friends first before becoming partners usually are the relationships that last more, long-term. Friendship is the foundation of a successful relationship. This is true whether it is  marriage, or a BF/GF, relationship betweeen family members, relationship with co-workers, employers, etc.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the advantage is that you get to know each other first, before committing to a more serious relationship beyond friendship.You start out as friends, then admire each other, then possibly develop strong emotions for the other until you both realize you miss each other more when you're apart. This type of love takes time and is patient.

This is in contrast to a romantic relationship that starts out by "eros love," meaning you get attracted by physical/mental traits alone. With eros love, strong emotions start almost immediately, some would even say "love at first sight," though you do not even know each other that well.

With eros love, you see only each other's strengths/their good side, everything is rosy, mushy, feelings of happiness, etc. But, you cannot judge "real love" between two people based on strong emotions alone.

Philos love is a love based on "give-and-take," where it's mutually beneficial for both people. One partner is still concerned with what he/she can take from the relationship, but at the same time they are also concerned with his/her partner's benefit and therefore gives back in return.

Therefore, philos is a higher type of love than eros. Philos love is a mutual, "give-and take" relationship, while eros love is a self-based, form of love that is more concerned with the "self" or self-benefit. Although like eros love, philos love must develop into a higher form of love, the highest love of all - "agape" or unconditional love.

3) Agape - This is unconditional love. This is the third and highest type of love.

Agape love is above both philos love and eros love. It is a love that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even if this act does not benefit him/her in any way. Whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love even without any self-benefit.

Say, you help out a person, even though that person hates you. Or you take insults from your partner without firing back, all the while forgiving and praying for your partner to amend his/her ways. Or the "unconditional love" that a mother has for her child. Or the love we show for our parents, taking care of them and helping them in their old age. Just like they took care of us when we were young, it is done with or without benefit in return.

However, the highest type of agape love is not human at all, but divine - God's unconditional love for us, His children. God's love was shown to us the most when God sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ to his suffering and death on the cross for our salvation. There is no greater love than this. Jesus had no obligation to die for us, but He chose to. It is His gift, His ultimate gift. He chose to die for us because He knew what would happen to us, to all of mankind if He left us on our own. Without Jesus' death on the cross, mankind is doomed to eternal damnation.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 provides a perfect description for agape love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." This is one of my favorite scriptures and a true testament to the love we should all show to each other.

In essence, eros love is "physical", philos love is "mental", and agape love is "spiritual." Thus, love is made up of the three fundamental elements of man: physical, mental and spiritual. And each of these three elements are all necessary in our lives to grow, develop, and to love one another as human beings. Keep love alive, people!! :-)

KHurly Girl

At This Moment

A cloud gracefully glides across the blue sky…A bird chirps a lovely hymn…The grass sways with the wind…The rain pelts the roof like hands to a drum…At this moment, life is moving!  Your son/daughter is screaming your name because they want a bit of attention from you...Your partner rubs your back gently trying to show affection…A family member says “I love you” at the end of a conversation...God is whispering to you through that still small voice...Yes, all of this is happening at this VERY moment!  And guess what!? You didn’t even notice.  *tsk tsk*

But in all honesty, it makes no sense that you’re not enjoying this moment.  Why? Well, we aren’t promised tomorrow – who promised you tomorrow!?  You ask yourself, how can this be?  Of course I pay attention to X, Y, and Z.  But you don’t and the end result is that life is passing you by! 

You’re too busy, too moody, too angry, too stressed, too consumed in your thoughts and activities, too confused by the actions of others, and/or just too oblivious to it all -- to see all of these things right in front of your very own eyes. You’re living for yesterday or you’re living for tomorrow but you’re certainly NOT living for today. You are not living in the moment, this moment. You’re not taking advantage of what this moment has to offer.  Are you living up to your own abilities and fulfilling your dreams in this moment? Are you being truthful to yourself and what your purpose is in this life?

Simply put, today is all you have and all you have is THIS VERY MOMENT!  Enjoy it.  Cherish it.  Relish in it.  Because this very well could be your LAST moment…Take a moment to check out this video and remember to "Life, Laugh, Love" each day!

The Space Between Monogamy and Cheating

Some would say that humans aren't monogamous creatures...and I, at times, have agreed with this point. Matter of fact, I'm sure that I not only agreed but also stated it as a fact and argued it with others as the truth! LOL. But today, my views have changed a bit. I still do believe that humans have to make a conscious effort to be with one person in a monogamous relationship. But at the same time, I feel that we are programmed to want to couple with another person. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that monogamy is more than a temporary "coupling," which is why I still think that it's a constant, conscious effort to be in a monogamous relationship and not as natural as some might believe.

Then there are some people who will argue that women are more monogamous because we carry the offspring for 9 months, so our bodies aren't meant to be with multiple men. While on the other hand, men could theoretically produce a few children each day with multiple women well into their golden years. This could very well be scientific proof to explain why we aren't built to be monogamous creatures but I'll save that as a topic for another day....LOL

This article, The Space Between Monogamy and Cheating Love & Sex GalTime, explores the reality in relationships that sometimes there isn't a clear line between monogamy and cheating. Sometimes people build strong relationships around a certain "middle ground," although the concept is often frowned upon for various reasons. Read it for yourself and you decide! Then, ask yourself -- are humans really monogamous creatures or are we just "pretending" to enjoy being with one person? What do YOU think?

- KHurly Girl

The Five Love Languages -- Which One Are You?

If you've ever felt like your mate wasn't expressing their love to you the way you needed to hear/feel it or the way that they expressed their love for you was different than your own...I may have the solution to your problem!  Take a look at the book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. It is a wonderful book, an easy read, and could prove to be an important staple in your relationship!

This book outlines the five primary emotional love languages that each person speaks.  Very often, when we speak our primary love language, we're confused when our partner does not understand what we are communicating because it comes across as foreign to them.  This book helps you to discover your primary love language as well as your partners so that you can apply certain ideas to improve your relationship.

The five love languages are: 1.) Words of Affirmation, 2.) Quality Time, 3.) Receiving Gifts, 4.) Acts of Service, and 5.) Physical Touch.  Now, I'm not going to give you too much detail on the five languages, so please take a look for yourself.  But I will tell you that after reading the book, I discovered that my primary love language was "Quality Time." It was obvious to me that this has always been key in my relationships and the thing that I complain about the most if I'm not receiving enough of it.  I also discovered that I had a secondary love language which is "Physical Touch" because affection and intimacy are very important to me during the quality time that I spend with my partner. 

I was also able to understand why certain past relationships were complicated and difficult for me.  I thought back to one recent relationship and realized that my ex's love language was "Receiving Gifts."  So, the way he'd express his love for me was by giving me things. Now, I loooove gifts (LOL) but that was not the way to my heart. I'm a "feeler" so the material things always come secondary in my book.  As a result, while in that relationship, if we argued then he'd buy me something, take me shopping, etc.  If things were good, he'd buy me things, take me shopping, trips, etc.  It was all quite lovely, don't get me wrong, but all I really wanted was to feel the love and know that he was focused on me and the health of our relationship.  The material things could not resolve the issues and they didn't make me feel any more loved.  Ultimately, that relationship ended because our viewpoints as a whole were very different but I'm convinced now that our differences as far as love languages, and our inability to understand each other in this area, played a large role in the demise of our relationship.

So, I highly recommend you pick up this book, read it online, or even skim tips from the Internet.  Either way, it's a must read and it could save your current or future relationships!  I endorse it! :-)

- KHurly Girl

Back to Business

So, it's been a while since my last post.  I took a vacation, both literally and figuratively. I needed the time to regroup and refocus.  I was beginning to allow myself to be weighed down by everything going on in my life...And you know EVERYTHING goes on in your life at once -- creating high stress levels and excessive pressure on yourself...But NOW, I'm back and in full effect and feeling quite lovely about it!! <= Yeeeeea, me! (I'm looking refreshed, right!?) LOL.

Not to mention, I just had a birthday and I needed the time away for reflection.  I needed to focus my thoughts on the progression of my life, my love life, and in general as far as reaching my goals for the future.  And you know what!?  Thinking about all that mess is a freakin headache sometimes! LOL. I mean, I know it's necessary to an extent but the thoughts can really get out of control if you let them.  Sometimes we just do too much planning, not enough living and enjoying, too much pressure, not enough faith, and basically just let life control us instead of grabbing life by the horns and learning how to take that bull down as we roll with each punch that is dealt!  I've always been a "go-with-the-flow" type of person but even I have to reign in my thoughts at times because it's easy to pressure yourself and force timelines into your mind that may not be feasible.

So, as I embark on this next year of my life...I choose to live more, enjoy the simple things in life more, plan less and be more spontaneous, love harder than I have in the past, reflect more, pray and meditate more, continue to live a life without regrets, give more of my time and money to those less fortunate, continue to not sweat the small stuff, not only reach my goals but exceed them, drink less (LOL), spend more time with loved ones, and continue to live a life that I'm proud of!  This is MY life and I choose to be the best me that I can be -- today and always! ;-)

KHurly Girl

I'm Single...And My Eggs Are Aging!

So, basic biology is that females are born with a set number of eggs from birth...You don't get any more or any less, so you need to use them wisely...LOL. Second, because these same eggs are with you from birth, the sooner you use them the better off you'll be.  You know, there are expiration dates on those things! But what happens when your eggs are steadily aging and you're still SINGLE!!??  Can we say DILEMMA #1?! LOL. 

Ok, so what's the number one question asked by people when they find out that you're single? 

***Drum roll, please***

"SO, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?!" Goooooooood question!!!  Honestly, I despise this question with a passion! LOL.  Like I have time to run down all of my past relationships and explain why they didn't work out, or why I chose to leave the relationships, or what "he" did to make me leave, or the decisions "he" made to end the relationship, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc!!  I'd rather just say, "Because I want to be," although that's really not the case either.  But, it's a lot easier just to say that!!  ;-)  But of course, people like to pry in your business and get details.  Go figure!  LOL. 

So, I took some time to think about how I could give an accurate answer to this question without divulging all of my business! The number one reason that I'm single is because I know my worth and what I will and will not stand for in a relationship.  It's not hard to meet men -- seriously, it's one or more at every corner you turn. But quality men are not as easy to meet.  Like Drake said, "how can you find out who is real when anyone will leave with you"...LOL.  I mean, I'm not chop liver over here.  I am an intelligent woman with a lot of qualities that men find appealing and I'm very confident about this statement.  I'm a girly girl but not so girly at the same time; I got that duality -- guys dig it!  haha. And apparently, I'm viewed as "wife material" because I've been engaged twice and almost a third time.  But unfortunately for those I've dated, I've ended 99.8% of all my relationships. Close family members have even called me "the runaway bride" but you have to get to the altar first to be able to run away, so that name would never stick. LOL. Some may even say that I'm a picky woman but that's simply not true either because I've dated a large spectrum of men; close friends can never tell what "my type" is, although I do have one.  So, what's the real issue here!? 

I know what I want in a man, and knowing what you want and meeting someone that fits the bill is not always simple.  I know how I expect to be treated in a relationship and I know that I offer that same treatment in return to my partner.  Is there room for error?  Of course because I'm also a very forgiving woman; I will stick with a relationship through the ups and downs to make sure that I gave it my best shot.  That can certainly be viewed as a positive and a negative though.  But my main issue is that I'm not willing to settle for something less than what I deserve.  I deserve a man that will cherish the love we build together. A man that will not take me for granted, and will work to maintain the beauty and purity of our relationship.  I deserve a man that will put our relationship on a pedastool and put in the work necessary to make me happy, as I work to make him happy.  I'm also a romantic and I look for the right chemistry in a relationship; do we have what it takes together to weather the storms because anyone can be there when everything is peaches and cream.  There also has to be a good match when it comes to our spirituality and faith in God because that is of the utmost importance to me for marriage, because if I plan to one day allow this man to lead our family we need to be on the same page. I do have this idealistic view of what I want in a relationship but the realist in me knows there has to be room for compromise and he may not be able to check EVERY box. But that is fine with me, no one is perfect but I know there is a perfect person for me out there.

It just gets really disappointing when you meet guys and see the potential only to find out not long after that it's not going to work out.  And I'm no spring chicken anymore, MY EGGS ARE AGING!! LOL. My friends think that is really funny to hear but I feel my internal clock ticking -- I'm ready for babies!!  But I refuse to rush into a relationship because of this factor; it will all happen when it's supposed to happen for me.  However, it's hard not to get caught up in the want of it all...waiting for "Prince Charming" and anticipating that ideal relationship that will outshine all the rest from your past.  It can be hard at times but I'm optimistic. I know that when the time is right, the relationship will come.  Until then, I'll continue to live the single life, date the "spectrum," pray for my ideal mate to recognize me as such, and live for today with hopes for the future.  Although, I'm still single and my eggs are AGING!! LOL. Life goes on...

- KHurly Girl

He/She Loves Me...He/She Loves Me Not

Ok, so as a child/teen we played a game called “He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not.” Anyone remember it?! Hopefully, I’m not the only one…LOL. Anyhow, the purpose of the game was to determine whether the object of your affection felt the same way about you or not. So, to refresh your memory a bit -- you’d pick a flower and for each petal that you’d pick off of the flower you’d say “He (or she) loves me” and then alternate with “He (or she) loves me not”…I’m guessing more little girls played this game than boys but you get the point! :-) So when you get to the very last petal, whatever phrase you are on at this point, represents the truth as far as the love (or not) that your object of affection has for you.

Now, why did I rehash this game and the rules behind it? Well, as adults we sometimes struggle with understanding the actions of another person and whether or not their actions constitute love for us. Some would say that if you have to wonder then it’s probably not love and a lot of times I’d have to agree. And when I say love, I mean being in love and not just loving someone. ‘Love’ versus ‘in love’ is a whole other ballgame…LOL. But if you’re still in question, here are a few points to keep in mind that might help you determine if someone is truly in love with you:

• He/she shows interest in your life – He/she asks about your day, family, friends and work; He/she tries to remember whatever you say and do.

Think about it: If he/she shows no interest in the things that encompass your life and fill your day, how could he/she possibly love you? Those things are part of who you are.

• He/she knows exactly what makes you smile, feel special and taken care of.

Think about it: If he/she is selfish and only cares about themselves, then how could they possibly love you? And knowing what makes you smile/feel special/taken care of is not a one-time thing or something that happens only around holidays or other special moments, it should be regularly expressed.

• He/she is very affectionate, attentive, sensitive, considerate, and cares about your needs, wants and desires.

Think about it: Again, this is selfishness at its best. If your mate is only concerned with what you’ve giving in this department and how you address their needs but they never take your needs into consideration -- how can this be love?

• He/she calls (texts or emails) you just because he/she was thinking about you, misses you, or just felt like it.

Think about it: Anyone who has ever experienced love knows that a special person in your life begins to permeate your thoughts on a regular basis. You think of them constantly. Sometimes it’s not always feasible to reach out during the day and let that person know that you’re thinking of them but like most things, if there is a will then there is a way.

• He/she wants to spend as much time with you as is possible. He/she clears up their busy schedule and makes plans just for you.

Think about it: If he/she is always putting others ahead of you (i.e., friends, family, work, etc.) or never making time in their schedule to be with you, how can they possibly love you? Building a loving relationship requires time with that person!

• He/she walks that special extra mile just for you. He/she shares your interests even if he/she doesn't like what you like, puts aside what they could be doing just to talk, listen or do something for you instead.

Think about it: Is it really love if your mate constantly says to you, I don’t like this or that, so I’m not interested in doing it with you or talking about it? Is it really love if they can’t take the time sometimes to talk to you or just listen to how you feel? Probably not.

• He/she tells you how wonderful you make him/her feel and how having you in his/her life enriches it.

Think about it: This is self-explanatory. A person who loves you will express to you in words or actions, and hopefully both, how you make them feel and how special you are to them.

• He/she does small unexpected things to pleasantly surprise you.

Think about it: He/she will send an email message, show up at your workplace, get you something you always wanted, leave a note on the refrigerator, something, anything, etc. LOL. A person that loves you will go out of their way to show you – point blank!

• He/she loves and enjoys being physically close to you.

Think about it: Scientists have shown that the amount of body contact (physical touch) is vital to a person’s mental and physical development as an infant and our happiness as adults. So, if you love your partner – you’d want physical contact with them. Although, this should not be confused with sex; intimacy and sexual contact are also both important for most people in terms of expressing their love. But that’s another topic for another day…LOL

• He/she gives without being asked and accepts from you with gratitude.

Think about it: A person who truly loves you doesn’t need an excuse to give to you. They don’t expect anything in return but gratitude and appreciation from you. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't hold what they did for you over your head and would not play tit-for-tat games!

• He/she wants a future with you in it. He/she doesn’t just talk about it but they also start planning for it.

Think about it: A person who loves you will want to be with you for the long haul. Even if the relationship never makes it there, their intentions are clear – they want a future with you, can see themselves with you in the future, and/or plan for you to be a part of their future.

• He/she tells you he/she loves you.

Think about it: If your partner can’t say those three little words, then it’s not love. A person who loves you will shout it from the rooftops and they won’t care what anyone thinks about it. Point blank!

• You just know it – no doubting, no questioning, no wondering, no convincing or trying to make him/her love you and no strings attached. You look into his/her eyes and you know it. Something inside of you just knows.

Think about it: This is clear as the driven snow because it’s purely based on how you feel but at the same time it is one of the most subjective points due to it being based on your opinion and judgment. The heart sometimes wants what the heart wants and it blurs your judgment. So, pleeeease be careful with this one! LOL

Now....Hopefully this list helped a few of you out there!! But please note that this list is not comprehensive, only you know what feels right in your relationship. As always, communication is paramount for the success of any relationship. If you don’t feel like you’re receiving what you should from your mate, talk to them and express how you’re feeling. If you don’t see any progress towards what has been discussed after you’ve talked to them about your feelings, then it is time to truly evaluate or re-evaluate why you’re in a relationship with a person that does not love you. End of story! :-)

KHurly Girl

L...O...V...E!!

I love LOVE. I love the idea of love, I love loving another person that you know loves you back, I love receiving love, I love expressing and showing someone my love for them, I love the love you feel from family and the unconditional love you should feel from a partner – so yeah, I love LOVE! LOL. God even said that out of faith, hope and love, that love was the greatest of these. Here’s a little scripture to support my cause, I’m not making this up…LOL. Corinthians 13 says:

“1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Ok, so now we know how wonderful and important love is but sometimes “love” isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes you want to love and the person just doesn’t deserve your love. Sometimes you want so badly to be loved by someone else and they just can’t show you or give you what you need in return. Sometimes family, although blood related, doesn’t know how to express love or never showed you (or taught you) the real true meaning of love. Maybe you don’t know what love really means or how it feels or if you’ve ever experienced it before. Or maybe you know all about it and just want to reinforce the wonderfulness that is love by reading about it and trying to learn and make sense of it all. Well, my goals in regard to LOVE are to explore what it is, what it’s supposed to be, and what it’s not.

So, who am I in terms of determining what's meaningful in regards to love and why you should listen to anything I have to say about it?! Well, I’m not cupid and I don’t have a degree in love from a prestigious university (if there is such a thing…LOL) but what I do have is experience and I am always on the hunt for understanding! I have loved deeply and I have also entered into relationships and thought that I was in love but wasn’t, I have been engaged a few times yet never married (still working on that...LOL), I have been told I was loved and experienced love from others, I have felt unconditional love for another person, I have done things “in the name of love,” and I also know what it feels like when love is right (and unfortunately, wrong) and I’m patiently waiting for a man to show me that same love in return….So, I’ve got life experience with love and I love how it’s influenced my life in positive ways and how it’s made me make changes in my life. But in saying all this, let's remember that love never fails! People tell me all the time that I should write a book about my crazy “love” stories but how about a blog instead!? LOL. Stay tuned for interesting stories along the way and insight into this thing everyone is talking about, L-O-V-E!