How Deep Is Your Love?

Some people are quick to say they love another person or they are "in love" but a lot of those same people don't know what it really and truly means to love another. There are levels to this thing called love -- do you know how deep your love is? Let's explore......

1) Eros - Known as "erotic love." It is based on strong feelings toward another person. It usually occurs in the first stages of a "romantic" relationship.

This love is based more on physical traits. This is the type of love when a person says he/she has "fallen in love" for a woman/man, because "he/she looked like an angel. " Or a man/woman "falls in love" for a guy/girl because he/she is intelligent, has good 'genetics,' etc.

The weakness with this type of love is obvious. It is based more on "self-benefit." This is the, "I love you because it feels good, and makes ME happy loving you." The keyword is the word "ME." It's a selfish love.

When that person doesn't "feel happy" anymore in loving the other person, he/she is led to believe that he/she has "fallen out of love." When in actuality, there was never any "true love" in the first place. The fact is that the love has yet to establish itself; the people don't know each other well at this point.

Eros love is when two people feel this strong emotional attraction towards one another but they barely really know about each other's personalities. A person usually puts his/her best foot forward, showing only his/her good side -- I call this "meeting their representative." In order to be sure if "true love" exists, two people must know and accept each others' good and bad traits. You have to know and accept the good and the bad, to establish a true love bond.

Furthermore, they must experience a lot with each other, going through BOTH joys and sorrows, pains and pleasures, and still end up together. A lot of sacrifice towards each other is therefore essential to move past eros love.

Eros love is love that is untested by hardships, and therefore may or may not last in the long-term. It may or may not develop into a higher form of love - philos love. Eros love can only succeed in the long-term if it progresses into a higher form of love. Otherwise, it will not last.

The romantic feeling common in "eros love" is natural, and an important part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Romance also plays a role in strengthening the bonds, especially at the start of a relationship. What we need to be careful of is assuming a relationship must be "real love" just because it is romantic, because all we feel is happiness. As with most anything in life, we must learn to use both our heart and mind to judge if something is real.

Be careful also of being in love with the "concept of love" itself, rather than the love for the other person. Television, movies, and media have a way of "romanticizing" love so much, it is often hard to see reality from fiction.You must love a person for his/her uniqueness, not because you simply want to feel the joy of "being in love." Such a love is concerned more with the "self" rather than the partner. And relying purely on emotion without the balance of logic is a recipe for failure.

2) Philos - A love based on friendship between two people.

It is true that two lovers that start out by being friends first before becoming partners usually are the relationships that last more, long-term. Friendship is the foundation of a successful relationship. This is true whether it is  marriage, or a BF/GF, relationship betweeen family members, relationship with co-workers, employers, etc.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the advantage is that you get to know each other first, before committing to a more serious relationship beyond friendship.You start out as friends, then admire each other, then possibly develop strong emotions for the other until you both realize you miss each other more when you're apart. This type of love takes time and is patient.

This is in contrast to a romantic relationship that starts out by "eros love," meaning you get attracted by physical/mental traits alone. With eros love, strong emotions start almost immediately, some would even say "love at first sight," though you do not even know each other that well.

With eros love, you see only each other's strengths/their good side, everything is rosy, mushy, feelings of happiness, etc. But, you cannot judge "real love" between two people based on strong emotions alone.

Philos love is a love based on "give-and-take," where it's mutually beneficial for both people. One partner is still concerned with what he/she can take from the relationship, but at the same time they are also concerned with his/her partner's benefit and therefore gives back in return.

Therefore, philos is a higher type of love than eros. Philos love is a mutual, "give-and take" relationship, while eros love is a self-based, form of love that is more concerned with the "self" or self-benefit. Although like eros love, philos love must develop into a higher form of love, the highest love of all - "agape" or unconditional love.

3) Agape - This is unconditional love. This is the third and highest type of love.

Agape love is above both philos love and eros love. It is a love that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even if this act does not benefit him/her in any way. Whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love even without any self-benefit.

Say, you help out a person, even though that person hates you. Or you take insults from your partner without firing back, all the while forgiving and praying for your partner to amend his/her ways. Or the "unconditional love" that a mother has for her child. Or the love we show for our parents, taking care of them and helping them in their old age. Just like they took care of us when we were young, it is done with or without benefit in return.

However, the highest type of agape love is not human at all, but divine - God's unconditional love for us, His children. God's love was shown to us the most when God sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ to his suffering and death on the cross for our salvation. There is no greater love than this. Jesus had no obligation to die for us, but He chose to. It is His gift, His ultimate gift. He chose to die for us because He knew what would happen to us, to all of mankind if He left us on our own. Without Jesus' death on the cross, mankind is doomed to eternal damnation.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 provides a perfect description for agape love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." This is one of my favorite scriptures and a true testament to the love we should all show to each other.

In essence, eros love is "physical", philos love is "mental", and agape love is "spiritual." Thus, love is made up of the three fundamental elements of man: physical, mental and spiritual. And each of these three elements are all necessary in our lives to grow, develop, and to love one another as human beings. Keep love alive, people!! :-)

KHurly Girl

The Space Between Monogamy and Cheating

Some would say that humans aren't monogamous creatures...and I, at times, have agreed with this point. Matter of fact, I'm sure that I not only agreed but also stated it as a fact and argued it with others as the truth! LOL. But today, my views have changed a bit. I still do believe that humans have to make a conscious effort to be with one person in a monogamous relationship. But at the same time, I feel that we are programmed to want to couple with another person. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that monogamy is more than a temporary "coupling," which is why I still think that it's a constant, conscious effort to be in a monogamous relationship and not as natural as some might believe.

Then there are some people who will argue that women are more monogamous because we carry the offspring for 9 months, so our bodies aren't meant to be with multiple men. While on the other hand, men could theoretically produce a few children each day with multiple women well into their golden years. This could very well be scientific proof to explain why we aren't built to be monogamous creatures but I'll save that as a topic for another day....LOL

This article, The Space Between Monogamy and Cheating Love & Sex GalTime, explores the reality in relationships that sometimes there isn't a clear line between monogamy and cheating. Sometimes people build strong relationships around a certain "middle ground," although the concept is often frowned upon for various reasons. Read it for yourself and you decide! Then, ask yourself -- are humans really monogamous creatures or are we just "pretending" to enjoy being with one person? What do YOU think?

- KHurly Girl

The Five Love Languages -- Which One Are You?

If you've ever felt like your mate wasn't expressing their love to you the way you needed to hear/feel it or the way that they expressed their love for you was different than your own...I may have the solution to your problem!  Take a look at the book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. It is a wonderful book, an easy read, and could prove to be an important staple in your relationship!

This book outlines the five primary emotional love languages that each person speaks.  Very often, when we speak our primary love language, we're confused when our partner does not understand what we are communicating because it comes across as foreign to them.  This book helps you to discover your primary love language as well as your partners so that you can apply certain ideas to improve your relationship.

The five love languages are: 1.) Words of Affirmation, 2.) Quality Time, 3.) Receiving Gifts, 4.) Acts of Service, and 5.) Physical Touch.  Now, I'm not going to give you too much detail on the five languages, so please take a look for yourself.  But I will tell you that after reading the book, I discovered that my primary love language was "Quality Time." It was obvious to me that this has always been key in my relationships and the thing that I complain about the most if I'm not receiving enough of it.  I also discovered that I had a secondary love language which is "Physical Touch" because affection and intimacy are very important to me during the quality time that I spend with my partner. 

I was also able to understand why certain past relationships were complicated and difficult for me.  I thought back to one recent relationship and realized that my ex's love language was "Receiving Gifts."  So, the way he'd express his love for me was by giving me things. Now, I loooove gifts (LOL) but that was not the way to my heart. I'm a "feeler" so the material things always come secondary in my book.  As a result, while in that relationship, if we argued then he'd buy me something, take me shopping, etc.  If things were good, he'd buy me things, take me shopping, trips, etc.  It was all quite lovely, don't get me wrong, but all I really wanted was to feel the love and know that he was focused on me and the health of our relationship.  The material things could not resolve the issues and they didn't make me feel any more loved.  Ultimately, that relationship ended because our viewpoints as a whole were very different but I'm convinced now that our differences as far as love languages, and our inability to understand each other in this area, played a large role in the demise of our relationship.

So, I highly recommend you pick up this book, read it online, or even skim tips from the Internet.  Either way, it's a must read and it could save your current or future relationships!  I endorse it! :-)

- KHurly Girl

I Can't Live Without...

"Being able to live with it is not the same as not being able to live without it. If you can live without it, then you can let it go!"

A lot of times you hear people talk about "I can live with it" or "I can deal with it," and then at times you hear people say, "I can't live without it."  Of course the term "it" can refer to a lot of different things, from people, habits, career choices, hobbies, etc.  Personally, I'd MUCH rather say "I can't live without it" than to just say "I can live with it," especially when it comes to a serious relationship or a passion. Now, I don't want to be as literal as saying you'll fall over and die if you don't have a certain person, place or thing in your life (LOL) but if the thought of you not having that "it" in your life makes you feel empty -- then, I'd say it's something you can't live without.  When a person says they "can live with it," it comes across as something they are alright with or satisfied with, but it gives a totally different meaning.  The "it" now becomes something that is expendable.  Just a few examples of what I mean....

So, let's say it's a person that you can't live without. Again, we all know you're not going to literally drop dead if the a person isn't in your life but if the thought of them not being in your world feels devasting then this probably someone you can't live without. The loss of certain relationships can send a person spiraling into depression, eating disorders, issues with sleep, etc. Basically, it can rock your world -- and not in a good way! LOL. In my opinion, this depth of love is the type that most people should have when they enter into a marriage. You don't want to be with the man and/or woman who you're happy with and feeling alright about; you want to be with the person you can't imagine not spending your life with. The person you can't ever imagine not being able to see or talk to again because just the thought would crush your world. 

Now, let's say the "it" is a career choice or a hobby that you can't live without.  If you've ever talked to someone successful about how they got to that level of success, a lot of them will tell you that the main reason is because they loved what they were doing, they continued to push themselves further in that field, they couldn't see their lives without it, and the love that they had for it was so strong that they would do it for free.  Or maybe it's a hobby like baking -- the love of that hobby was so strong that they decided to make this hobby their daily focus and career.  Now, the hobby that they once made time for has become their life.
But there are some lines that need to be drawn also because addiction to food, drugs, people, and other things can be viewed by those individuals as something they can't live without, and that's simply not true.  Well, maybe in terms of food...Yes, we need food to live and in this case you would fall over and die without it but overconsumption is where the issue lies.  But ultimately, what we have here is a problem which I am not equipped to assess on this site...LOL.  So, if you're ADDICTED to food, drugs, people, other things -- this philosophy does not apply to you! :-)

Ultimately, we all need to take the time to look in a mirror and seriously ask ourselves -- Can I live without it or am I choosing to live with it?  You might be surprised at the answer if you're truly honest with yourself! 

- KHurly Girl

...."But You Say He's Just a Friend"

Let's just jump right into things...Why do people say a person is "just a friend?"  Or a buddy, or a homegirl/homeboy, or whatever....specifically, if that's not really the case?!  Aren't you doing yourself a grave disservice by categorizing a person that way if they truly aren't one?  Well, that is unless you're trying to cover up some dirt that you did with that person and can't tell the real story behind who they are, but that's another topic for another day...LOL.

I was recently in a situation where an associate, let's call her Jill, introduced me to a guy, let's call him Jack, whom she claimed was just a friend...#ThinkBizMarkie.  LOL.  I asked Jill about her relationship with Jack a few times; she insisted they were nothing but friends.  I asked Jack about Jill and he also insisted that they were just friends.  To make a long story short, Jack started to feel kind of friendly about me and showed a bit of interest.  So, guess what happened next?  Yup, you guessed it!!!  As it turns out, someone was fibbing a bit!  Confused yet??  I was confused too and right in the midst of a brewing situation...LOL.  Can we say -- DRAMA!!??  Needless to say, the KHurly Girl does not do drama!!  I avoid it at all costs because I like to put all my cards on the table and go from there.  To make things a bit more interesting, this same person, Jill, met a man that I once dated and it seemed like there might have been something going on there but I shut things down QUICK -- why?  Because I dated him and I don't share men I dated with friends/associates/family, etc. That's just not cool in my book.  I made it very clear to the guy and to Jill that because there was some past history there, woman code policy was in full effect.  LOL.  For those that don't know what that is, it's "if I touched him, you don't."  But I clearly had a convo with both of them and stated that if they stepped over that line then I wouldn't be interested in having a friendship anymore with either of them. Some might say this is a tad harsh but I don't care, that's how I feel.  The funniest thing about this though is that Jill tried to equate that situation to the Jack situation when they are TOTALLY different.  How do you compare "I dated him" versus "I never dated him and we're just friends?"  AND I had a convo with the both of you about it and made things clear where I stood, yet to this day, I've never had a convo with Jill about why she's really upset about it (situation with Jack) because she has not come to me and said ANYTHING about Jack to me.  Right, right...You can't!!  Ok, so back to the point of this whole ordeal...LOL.

So, now I'm left with trying to understand why Jill would say Jack was "just a friend" but then got upset when Jack got friendly with me?!  It just doesn't make sense...Well, it does make sense and that's because Jill LIED about her feelings for Jack!  Or maybe lied is a strong word, maybe she was just confused...LOL.  Either way, why am I looked at with a side eye when Jill was the one denying her feelings all along?!  I shouldn't be and that's the real issue.  I shouldn't be held accountable for reading Jill's mind when I clearly asked her what was up with Jack and she told me nothing!

Anyhow, I can't really say at this point that everyone involved is still cool with each other; well, me and Jack are still cool but Jill -- ummm, not so much.  And this my friends is where the moral of the story lies -- honesty is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to your feelings!  Too many times people aren't in touch with their own feelings, honest with themselves, or others about how they feel.  People are not mind readers.  Communication IS KEY in ALL relationships, from friendships to marriages!  You owe it to yourself to look in the mirror, be upfront and honest with yourself first, and then with others next because in the end there will only be hurt feelings if you don't.

Word to the wise when it comes to matters of the heart, if you even THINK you could have feelings for a person then don't categorize them as "just a friend" to another person because you never know what types of feelings could develop down the line, so why get caught in the crossfire?!  Just say, I'm not sure how I feel about that person and leave it at that!  End of story.

Signing out.....KHurly Girl

He/She Loves Me...He/She Loves Me Not

Ok, so as a child/teen we played a game called “He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not.” Anyone remember it?! Hopefully, I’m not the only one…LOL. Anyhow, the purpose of the game was to determine whether the object of your affection felt the same way about you or not. So, to refresh your memory a bit -- you’d pick a flower and for each petal that you’d pick off of the flower you’d say “He (or she) loves me” and then alternate with “He (or she) loves me not”…I’m guessing more little girls played this game than boys but you get the point! :-) So when you get to the very last petal, whatever phrase you are on at this point, represents the truth as far as the love (or not) that your object of affection has for you.

Now, why did I rehash this game and the rules behind it? Well, as adults we sometimes struggle with understanding the actions of another person and whether or not their actions constitute love for us. Some would say that if you have to wonder then it’s probably not love and a lot of times I’d have to agree. And when I say love, I mean being in love and not just loving someone. ‘Love’ versus ‘in love’ is a whole other ballgame…LOL. But if you’re still in question, here are a few points to keep in mind that might help you determine if someone is truly in love with you:

• He/she shows interest in your life – He/she asks about your day, family, friends and work; He/she tries to remember whatever you say and do.

Think about it: If he/she shows no interest in the things that encompass your life and fill your day, how could he/she possibly love you? Those things are part of who you are.

• He/she knows exactly what makes you smile, feel special and taken care of.

Think about it: If he/she is selfish and only cares about themselves, then how could they possibly love you? And knowing what makes you smile/feel special/taken care of is not a one-time thing or something that happens only around holidays or other special moments, it should be regularly expressed.

• He/she is very affectionate, attentive, sensitive, considerate, and cares about your needs, wants and desires.

Think about it: Again, this is selfishness at its best. If your mate is only concerned with what you’ve giving in this department and how you address their needs but they never take your needs into consideration -- how can this be love?

• He/she calls (texts or emails) you just because he/she was thinking about you, misses you, or just felt like it.

Think about it: Anyone who has ever experienced love knows that a special person in your life begins to permeate your thoughts on a regular basis. You think of them constantly. Sometimes it’s not always feasible to reach out during the day and let that person know that you’re thinking of them but like most things, if there is a will then there is a way.

• He/she wants to spend as much time with you as is possible. He/she clears up their busy schedule and makes plans just for you.

Think about it: If he/she is always putting others ahead of you (i.e., friends, family, work, etc.) or never making time in their schedule to be with you, how can they possibly love you? Building a loving relationship requires time with that person!

• He/she walks that special extra mile just for you. He/she shares your interests even if he/she doesn't like what you like, puts aside what they could be doing just to talk, listen or do something for you instead.

Think about it: Is it really love if your mate constantly says to you, I don’t like this or that, so I’m not interested in doing it with you or talking about it? Is it really love if they can’t take the time sometimes to talk to you or just listen to how you feel? Probably not.

• He/she tells you how wonderful you make him/her feel and how having you in his/her life enriches it.

Think about it: This is self-explanatory. A person who loves you will express to you in words or actions, and hopefully both, how you make them feel and how special you are to them.

• He/she does small unexpected things to pleasantly surprise you.

Think about it: He/she will send an email message, show up at your workplace, get you something you always wanted, leave a note on the refrigerator, something, anything, etc. LOL. A person that loves you will go out of their way to show you – point blank!

• He/she loves and enjoys being physically close to you.

Think about it: Scientists have shown that the amount of body contact (physical touch) is vital to a person’s mental and physical development as an infant and our happiness as adults. So, if you love your partner – you’d want physical contact with them. Although, this should not be confused with sex; intimacy and sexual contact are also both important for most people in terms of expressing their love. But that’s another topic for another day…LOL

• He/she gives without being asked and accepts from you with gratitude.

Think about it: A person who truly loves you doesn’t need an excuse to give to you. They don’t expect anything in return but gratitude and appreciation from you. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't hold what they did for you over your head and would not play tit-for-tat games!

• He/she wants a future with you in it. He/she doesn’t just talk about it but they also start planning for it.

Think about it: A person who loves you will want to be with you for the long haul. Even if the relationship never makes it there, their intentions are clear – they want a future with you, can see themselves with you in the future, and/or plan for you to be a part of their future.

• He/she tells you he/she loves you.

Think about it: If your partner can’t say those three little words, then it’s not love. A person who loves you will shout it from the rooftops and they won’t care what anyone thinks about it. Point blank!

• You just know it – no doubting, no questioning, no wondering, no convincing or trying to make him/her love you and no strings attached. You look into his/her eyes and you know it. Something inside of you just knows.

Think about it: This is clear as the driven snow because it’s purely based on how you feel but at the same time it is one of the most subjective points due to it being based on your opinion and judgment. The heart sometimes wants what the heart wants and it blurs your judgment. So, pleeeease be careful with this one! LOL

Now....Hopefully this list helped a few of you out there!! But please note that this list is not comprehensive, only you know what feels right in your relationship. As always, communication is paramount for the success of any relationship. If you don’t feel like you’re receiving what you should from your mate, talk to them and express how you’re feeling. If you don’t see any progress towards what has been discussed after you’ve talked to them about your feelings, then it is time to truly evaluate or re-evaluate why you’re in a relationship with a person that does not love you. End of story! :-)

KHurly Girl